Diller Humor

[Re-Vision]

The Wit of Phyllis Diller

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some
parents going.

We spend the first twelve months of our children' s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve
telling them to sit down and shut up.

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.

If it weren't for sports, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.

You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.

I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing.

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.

My photographs don't do me justice – they just look like me.

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor .

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.

I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'

The reason the golf pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
Phyllis Diller

BDC

[Rick G]

Thanks BDC, I enjoyed that !